“Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else.”
They say that you will find yourself processing through the stages of grief.
They give you this layout of how your emotions will go, and for the most part, it’s pretty spot on.
But what they forget to mention, is you go through these stages multiple times. It isn’t some kind of trial period, where if you start now, you get the first month free.
And maybe it is different for us, because your death is not just a death. Your death was a suicide.
The big S word that nobody ever wants to say. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide.
It’s like in grief counseling when they have you state for the first time that you are a widower, because it makes it seem so real.
At first, we may have thought, “Never. This can’t be true, because they would never.”
But you did.
And nothing makes sense, because you aren’t here. All that is left are the pictures and videos, and we wish we could go back and take more to hold on to. We can’t hear your laugh down the hallway, or smell your scent as you sit beside us. All those little things we took for granted are now big things we want to go back and experience for 1 more second.
Which is normal for anyone who dies.
But then we wonder if maybe we could have said something to change your mind. Maybe what we were doing that night wasn’t as important as we thought it was. Did any of us have the power to stop you? To hold you? To tell you we loved you one more time? Two more times? Three more times? Over and over until you felt it bleed through your soul? I know for a fact, if we had known, we would have done anything.
It hits us, sometimes. In the middle of a movie, where a joke is. You’d be laughing, so we are laughing. But you aren’t here to laugh. So now we’re silent.
And we are so angry. Because why? Why did this happen? Why are your things still in the exact same place as they once were, but they remain untouched? Why are your bedsheets toussled up, just as you left them? Why did you leave us with this great, big, aching hole in our hearts where you used to be?
We all grieve in different ways. Some of us shut down. Some of us become a little louder. Some of us can’t process what has happened. Some of us don’t want to talk about it.
But here’s the thing.
We forgive you.
We forgive you for the pain and the unmade beds. We forgive you for the stages of grief. We forgive you, because we love you.
And maybe we will never completely understand why. But we know for sure that your biggest battle, against yourself, is over. And that you are free from pain. You fought long and hard to escape your demons.
Because of your suicide, we won’t stop fighting for you. Someone out there needs help, whether it be a shoulder to cry on, or a voice to listen to.
We see you, too. In things, all over the world. As the sun rises in the morning, and it turns that perfect shade of your favorite color, just for a solid second. In the springtime, when it’s nice enough to be outside, and a breeze rushes through the air. When a butterfly flaps on by and lands on our shoulder. You are there.
Because although you have left us, you are never really gone.
We are forever changed.
Mental illnesses such as depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia are known to be linked with suicidal thoughts and tendencies. The majority (85-95%) of people with mental illnesses don’t die by suicide, however over 90% of suicides are committed by people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. These “demons” are vicious, and hard to exploit.
The conversations on mental illness and suicide is deemed to be “taboo.” No one ever wants to talk about it. Personally, I’m unsure as to why. Perhaps because people are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or they feel it isn’t their place to say something at all.
Of course you should say something. Ask a friend if they are okay, it may do wonders. If you see someone has been having a rough time, try and be there for them.
In a world such as ours today, it is so important to spread love to others. You never know what anyone is going through in their own little world. Be kind.
A suicide close to me has impacted my life forever. For one of the greatest women I have ever met, please find We Can 5k For Kelci on Facebook, and like and share. 💙
You are worth so much in this life.
Until next time,
National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD
Self-Injury Hotline: 1-800-DONT-CUT
For more hotlines that you or a loved one may need, visit http://www.pleaselive.org/hotlines/
Stay alive. 💙