Today, I woke up and once again felt heavy sadness weighing on my heart. I physically felt my bones feeling sore, as if I had been hit by someone. All I wanted to do was cry it out, or talk to a friend. I said “screw this,” got out of bed, and put on my favorite outfit. I wasn’t going to start this semester on a sour foot.
I then proceeded to call my brother and talk with him for a while as I got ready for the day. My favorite eyeshadow. My favorite hairstyle. My favorite socks. My favorite pair of shoes. Anything and everything I could think of to make me feel happier than I was when I opened my eyes this morning. I adjusted my necklace and walked out the door, smiling.
When I got to school I sprayed my favorite perfume. Happiness. I opened my locker and read all of my uplifting sticky note messages I left for myself. Happiness. I smiled at people in the hallways whenever I could, and went to see my favorite teacher in a passing period. I participated. When I felt myself drifting back to my bed sadness, I would smile bigger. I laughed louder in class when a joke was told. Because I told myself I was going to be happy today.
When school was over, I jammed out in my car to The Greatest Showman soundtrack as I drove to apply for more jobs with the same, smiling face I put on once I got out of bed this morning. After about an hour, I didn’t have anything else left to do, so I went back to my home.
Upon unlocking the door to my messy apartment, I notice my unmade bed. I notice the emptiness of no one being here to talk to me about my day. I check my phone for a friend to talk to. I notice the sadness I left in my bed this morning, overflowing with a black aura. The black aura spills onto my carpet, its so misplaced. I barely get a chance to throw my bag on the floor and close the front door before I’m there, in my bed, surrounded by the blackness. And it all comes pouring out.
You can choose to ignore what is pounding at your heart all you want. You can choose to ignore your sadness, leave it in your bed, and put on a mask all day. But that doesn’t mean it’s gone. It doesn’t mean your sadness is healed. Because eventually, you have to come back to your bed. Eventually, you have to feel whatever it is you’re casting aside to move on from it. You have to lay there in the morning and say “Okay, I’m feeling sad today. Let’s get up and try our best.”
Don’t shove your emotions to the side. Sooner or later, they will catch up with you, and they’ll be even bigger when they do. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to want to shut off the world for a day to feel what you need to feel.
Our emotions are like a dashboard of a car, with a multitude of check engine lights. One lights up when your hungry, and you know you need to eat. When you’re tired, you know you need to sleep for the light to go off. When you have an emotion like sadness, you can’t fix it by just covering it up with a piece of paper. That’s not how that works. Any of us who drive a car know that if we would do that for our check engine light and continue to drive our car, we would be in some deep trouble in the long run. Humans are the same.
It’s okay not to be okay. It’s not okay to stay that way. Cry it out. Vent to someone. Go see your favorite movie and eat gallons of ice cream. Then, restart tomorrow. Stop putting on a mask, and let yourself feel what you need to feel.
Give yourself the love you would give to someone else.
Until next time,