because

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People always ask me,
“Why don’t you believe in love?”
“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

It’s because the night that my father threw my mother out on the sidewalk in a pile of her clothes, breaking her wrist as my little sister and I watched from the other room.

Because the vision of my broken hearted aunt sitting on the couch flooded with tissues as she watched Hope Floats, quoting every broken line through tears.

Because my best friend cried on her closet floor from the boy who didn’t find her good enough to stick by her side. That same boy kissed another girl the same day he told my best friend he loved her.

Because my step mother sat in hysterics on our back porch, pregnant as one can be, as my father drove off with my sister and I in the backseat, leaving her abandoned.

Because the high school sweethearts were together for 4 years when he left her to drink and hook up with another girl when he got tired of her.

Because a great friend of mine gave herself to the “most amazing guy” for the first time, then came to find out that her best friend and him had been seeing each other behind her back for months.

Because my mother still spends countless nights being screamed at by a guy she claims to love who lives a thousand miles away. Yet she still picks up the phone.

Because my aunt loved her husband more than anything in the world, but he decided he loved money more and left without a word. She didn’t get out of bed for a long time. I could hear her sobbing some nights when I got up for a drink.

Because a girl in my grade thought she found someone who loved her, and he got another girl pregnant while he was with her.

Because a boy lead my best friend on for so long that she had a breakdown and she told me she hated me.

Because my dad spent 2 years loving a woman who took care of us, and then one day she never came back. We weren’t allowed to talk to her ever again.

Because my uncle proposed to his fiance with a sock monkey on Christmas Eve, and she got scared and left him.

Because my mom’s roommate came home one day with a 2 month old baby to find that her boyfriend was gone.

Because my uncle’s first wife treated their kids horrible and one day up and left them all alone.

Because my grandpa sat sickened with cancer in a hospital on Veteran’s Day, waiting for his sons who never showed up. He died alone.

Because my father told me if had a choice in choosing to love me, or choosing to love his girlfriend, the choice wouldn’t be me.

Because my mom’s online boyfriend set up for her to get a car and when we arrived at the gate, his phone number was deleted and he was nowhere to be found in cyberspace.

Because a girl in the next town over got in a giant fight with her boyfriend one night and he left. He turned his car around and they stayed up for a long time apologizing, planning their lives, and promising forever. When he left, he was killed by a drunk driver.

Because people lie.

Because my stepmom’s stepdad loved her Mom with every atom in his body. He did everything for her. Then one day, she decided she didn’t want him anymore and she left. And that was that.

Because my mom still cries over my father sometimes.

Because a girl I knew was found hanging on her closet door by a rope when the boy she loved brought her down so far she couldn’t feel herself anymore.

Because there is so much pain everywhere, all of the time.

Because for years I tried to get a certain boy to love me like I loved him, but he turned around and loved my best friend instead.

Because a boy forced himself on me, telling me I had to stay quiet or he would hurt me.

Because the divorce put my parents in debt so my mother started shoplifting. She was arrested. She was gone for a very long time.

Because my best friend’s sister got left at the alter by the man she had loved for 7 years.

Because my granddad treats my grandmother like a queen and she couldn’t see him as anything more than a slave.

Because of the boy who I had the biggest 2nd grader crush on, who beat me up on the playground.

Because people like the cheat.

Because I was thrown into a pool table when my dad was too busy being drunk with a girl he just met and now I can’t even look at pool tables anymore.

Because girls I know can’t survive without the attention of a boy.

Because some people spend a long time chasing after someone they love, that when they’re actually gone, they don’t have anything for themselves.

Because my whole life, I’ve been told to keep silent.

Because my guy friend had a girlfriend who told him she wanted to have an open relationship when he worshipped her like a goddess. He started drinking a lot.

Because people still believe that love is the closest thing we have to magic.

Why don’t I believe in love, you ask?
I want to know,
How can you?

Until next time,

Tay❀

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