#IAmStillBeautiful

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This is the face everyone else knows.
This is the face you see every day.
Makeup in one.
In the other, none, but my favorite book.
Freshly showered hair and lotioned skin.
Eyebrows plucked to my satisfaction.
A little bags under my eyes, but besides that; I look okay.
It’s the face everyone likes to see.
It’s the face I like to see.
It’s happy me.
I like this me.
But these pictures were taken over 2 months ago.

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This is the face that not everyone else knows.
This is the face that no one sees.
And it’s not a good face.
This is the face of anxiety.
It’s not the me that everyone likes.
It’s not the me that I like.
But it is part of who I am.
It is sort of me.
And it’s been me for a while now.

I haven’t been doing good at all lately. I have been going through a very rough patch. I came to the point where I didn’t think there was anyway to possibly keep going after all I had been though. “If I’m fighting for nothing, then what’s the point?”
Emotional stress/damage tends to pile up and up and up on you and when it reaches it’s maximum point, you break down. That’s what basically happened to me. Some people may say that I don’t have a lot going on. And truth be told, I don’t. I’m in all PreAP and AP classes. I go to school for 8 hours a day, go to a 2 hour rehearsal afterwards where I’m in charge of basically everyone and everything as stage manager, come home and have a few hours to do my homework, eat, bathe, and sleep. It’s not a lot, because I know there are people who have a lot more on their plate than I do. But I do have an array of emotional and mental issues to deal with, which add up very quickly when you blend it in with assortments of stress.
In the second set of pictures you can clearly tell that I don’t look so good. I didn’t feel good either. I was pale. I was shaky. I didn’t get out of bed for three days or go to school because I emotionally, mentally, and physically could.not.do it. I cried for hours after hours. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I punched a wall so hard my knuckles bruised over and left a scratch. In these pictures I see how scary I look and I hate it. But in reality, there’s nothing I could do to stop it. When times like these arise, I don’t have control over any aspect. I have no other choice but to accept the part of me no one else could possibly love. I had to ride the waves full length until it was over and I could stand up, fix my hair, and keep fighting again-
-which is exactly what I did this morning. I got up today, took a shower and brushed the knots out of my hair with a pepto-bismol pink comb. I brushed my teeth too, (which happened to be absolutely disgusting by the way, always brush your teeth no matter your emotional state!!). Then after that I actually dressed myself, including slipping on my favorite daisy-patterned skirt. I opened my blinds and let the sunshine in. You honestly don’t know what a joy the sun is until you go without feeling it for a few days. It felt breathtakingly beautiful. It was an allusion to those Disney movies when the breeze blows, birds are chirping, and the sun is literally waving to you.
And then, to top it all off, I took a picture of myself.

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No, I still don’t look like my usual self. And it will probably take me a while to get back to her. My eyes aren’t deeply sunken in. The bags under my eyes aren’t so dark but they’re still horridly huge. That’s just what happens sometimes. But whether I am the real me, or the me that no one else gets to see, I am still beautiful.
#IAmStillBeautiful
I love me. I want you to love yourself too. You should participate in posting a picture of yourself with the caption #IAmStillBeautiful. If you have a hideous scar, I want to see it. If you have one of these kinds of transformation pictures, I want to see it as well. Make up, no make up. Whatever it is that makes you different from everyone else. Because no matter what, you are still beautiful and you always will be. Nothing can ever take that away from you. There is probably someone out there who needs to feel like they aren’t alone with their struggles. They need to see the #IAmStillBeautiful. And I want you to keep fighting, because one day you will see a reason as to why you had to keep marching on. I wrote this for people to relate to. For people to find a reason. I just want you to know that you aren’t alone.
“Hey little fighter, soon things will be brighter.”
I can do it. You can do it. And I’m going to get through it eventually. I have amazing friends. One dropped off chocolate for me yesterday with a note attached that told me she loved me and to stay strong. The main support you need is yourself, but sometimes that foundation is a little unsteady, so having a support system of close friends is absolutely incredible. You feel invincible, like you can do anything. And you can! But you must keep going. There is always something to fight for.

Until next time,
Tay❀

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these four walls

these four walls contain me
as the rest of the world sprints free.
these four walls hold me back
from all that I’m meant to be.
these four walls haunt me
while the rest of the world goes by.
they take my heart, and rip it out
as everyone moves on in their lives.

these four walls make me lonely
sheltering me from everyone I love.
they took them away and left me alone
how can there be such thing as a heaven above?

these four walls keep caving in
every minute of every day
they come closer and closer, suffocating what I had been.

what do you do when you want so badly to bulldoze the concrete slabs of grey that control every aspect of you?
meanwhile life for everyone else continues on as you’re trapped. they laugh. they grin. they enjoy their lives like everything is okay.
you scream and you scream for someone to help you, to reach out a hand and pull you away from the four walls. you pound the walls with your white-knuckled fists. screaming. shrieking. collapsing to the floor chaotically.
everyone sees the room, but passes by like it’s normal for them to stand idle, there. you wonder why they graze on by nonchalantly as your fist is scraped to pieces and your vocal chords are strained from screaming.
but these four walls just happen to be soundproof.