Dear you,

To the sweet boy. You were 5. I was 5. You lived down the street, and kissed me on the cheek at your skating rink birthday party after giving me a bouquet of flowers. I’m jealous of your girlfriend today.
To the nice boy. You were 7. I was 7. You had lots of freckles, and held my hand at recess everyday. You wanted to be an astronaut one day. I hope you did it.
To the strange boy. You were 11. I was 8. You were tall and asked me to take off my clothes for you in your garage to “look at me” when we were alone. I hope you grew up.
To the mean boy. You were 10. I was 9. You had bruised hands from a mean adult and punched me in the stomach one day at recess. I hope you channel your anger somewhere else now.
To the scary boy. You were 38. I was 10. You lived in the room down the hall and left marks on me when you were angry and your eyes flashed. You poured my cereal in the morning. I’m sorry I did something wrong.
To the mad boy. You were 12. I was 12. You had deep green eyes and called me fat everyday on the bus. You never apologized. But I forgive you.
To the creepy boy. You were 14. I was 13. You bought me presents a lot but noticed places I was too young to know about at the time. I hope you realize the scarring you brought me.
To the heart breaker boy. You were 16. I was 16. You played a lot of girls but kissed me harder than anyone had before. Then you forgot me. I hope this makes you remember.
To the disgusting boy. You were 20. I was 17. You are supposed to stop if someone says stop. When I said no. I meant no. I hope you rot in hell.
Being hit, being touched, being bruised, whatever you did, I forgive you. I hope you grew up. I hope you learned to be a father. I hope you treat someone else better now. And I don’t hate you anymore
Because,
To the man. You weren’t my blood. I wasn’t your blood. You didn’t have to take me in like your own. You didn’t have to teach me what a real man should be like. You didn’t have to show me the good in the male population.
But you did.
I hope you know who you are. And I hope you realize how much I appreciate what you did for me.

Thank you.

All of you.

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keep fighting, you little warrior

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     Today I finished the book from the quote above and it was absolutely fantastic. I can’t even begin to describe how much it meant to me. It completely changed my point of view on some things, and I will refrain from spoiling anything for you. Bottom line; buy it, read it.
      It’s easy to get so caught up and stressed out with your life that you never have time for yourself. And that’s bad!!! The very thing just happened to me. Everything just kept piling up and piling up that I felt as if I was a ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode at any moment. It hasn’t been a very good time for me the past few weeks. The other day I decided I needed to take a break from my life, so I bought a book. I took a whole day to myself reading this book. I took a bubble bath (amazing way to de-stress by the way). Needless to say, taking that time for me didn’t take away my stress completely, but it did help a great deal.
     I am one of those people who will do everything I can just so I don’t have to be alone. Being alone is my biggest fear. But today I was completely alone all day. I didn’t feel alone though,  because I was doing things to better myself. That may not make any sense at all. Like um, Tay, you’re still alone??? Yes, but not in a negative way. I enjoyed it a lot, actually. Being alone in the sense that you’re by yourself isn’t always being alone in the sense that you have nobody.
     Keep fighting.
     I wake up every morning and tell myself this. Maybe you’re sad. Fight that sadness. Maybe you’re suicidal. Fight those urges. Maybe you’re being bullied at school. Fight those bullies. (Not physically. In your head. Fight away their words.)
     You can do this. You will do this. And if anything, I believe in you. Stay strong my lovely. You’ve got this.

Until next time,
Tay❀